


What Have I Done?

by IdiotFantasyWorld334



Category: Fallout 4
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mass Fusion, The Institute (Fallout), The Railroad (Fallout)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:22:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26852131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IdiotFantasyWorld334/pseuds/IdiotFantasyWorld334
Summary: It's almost comical how easy it was to push the button. It didn't resist, there wasn't much force that was needed to do it. Nate was certain that even a soft breeze could've done what he did. No though, it was him. It was Nate, the sole survivor of Vault 111, famed general of the Minutemen, agent of the hidden Railroad, hero of the Commonwealth, who ultimately pressed the button that ended the world once again.
Relationships: Deacon/Male Sole Survivor
Comments: 1
Kudos: 26





	What Have I Done?

It's almost comical how easy it was to push the button. It didn't resist, there wasn't much force that was needed to do it. Nate was certain that even a soft breeze could've done what he did. No though, it was him. It was Nate, the sole survivor of Vault 111, famed general of the Minutemen, agent of the hidden Railroad, hero of the commonwealth, who ultimately pressed the button that ended the world once again.

It shouldn't have been him to do it. A man who's life began over two centuries ago shouldn't have this much impact on a fragile and broken city. He wasn't born in this world, this radiated wasteland. He was born in a world where super mutants didn't exist. A world where nuclear powered cars weren't shot at and exploded, a world where the biggest threat to some was getting the milk delivered on time for breakfast. He wasn't meant for this dangerous world that threw threats and danger at him like it was going out of fashion. He didn't ask for it, he didn't want it.

But it's the world he was given. He learned to live in this place, how to survive in radiation, how to build safe houses from burnt trees and rusted cars. He learned how best to approach a hoard of ghouls, how to aim for the head with super mutants, how heavy weaponry was best for deathclaws and behemoths, how to purify water from a dirty stream and how to farm new mutated vegetables in a barren stretch of land. He learned all of those things in less than a year, made a name for himself, helped those who needed it. In so many ways, without knowing it, Nate truly was made for this wasteland and was what was needed and missing for over two hundred years.

As he stood on top of Mass Fusion, his companions and friends behind him were all tense and anxious as they waited for him to push the button, he reflected on all of this. He remembers his first view of the wasteland, the tears that entered his eyes as he saw his home destroyed and broken. He remembers his first encounter with raiders, ferals, super mutants, all of the Commonwealth's twisted and wicked monsters. He remembers seeing his favorite bookstore completely blown apart with the only remaining item being a welcome sign that was under piles of ash and dirt. Nothing could've prepared him for this wasteland but he adapted and learned the best he could in this limited opportunity world. 

He glances back at the crowd behind him and sees nervous anticipation on most faces, some sympathetic ones mixed in among those who understood what was about to happen to their dear friend. He sees Piper, the famed and hated reporter bite her lip as she waits. He sees Nick Valentine, synth detective who looks at him with a sad but mostly neutral expression. Robert Joseph MacCready, gun for hire who promised to help him find his son and who's son awaits his return in the Capital Wasteland looked at him with sadness and sympathy. Preston Garvey, his second-in-command, who looks nervous at the change that this will bring upon everyone. Desdemona, the leader in the Railroad who has come to rely on him heavily, smiles at him as if she couldn't be more proud. There are a few sparsely injured Railroad members scattered who look nervous and anxious, mostly hidden excitement. He understands that all of them have waited for this moment since joining, however long ago it was for each of them. His gaze falls on a silent and neutral looking spy, a man he has grown to care for more than anyone else in the wasteland.

Deacon has watched his back since he woke from Vault 111. He's been his one constant, even before having him along as a companion. He knew he was watching him, the sunglasses always gave him away and followed him through every city he went to and through broken towns. It comforted him to know someone was out there keeping an eye on him, even more so when he realized Deacon wasn't planning to kill him. No, the spy only wanted to observe, to learn about him, to help him. He knows he has been waiting for this for years. He has seen countless members of the Railroad die because of the Institute. He knows first hand what the Institute created, how it impacts people's lives. He saw his wife killed because she was a creation of the evil of the Commonwealth, he heard so many stories of people being replaced and knew of many who were to be avoided because of it. Nate expected the same nervous anticipation that he saw on so many other faces on his, he thought he knew it would be there. Instead, the spy wears a neutral expression and doesn't take his eyes off of his fellow agent. Even when they were in the Institute, Nate couldn't look anywhere without seeing those sunglasses watch him. 

He feels guilt in his chest as he locks gazes with him. He knows why Deacon isn't smiling, why he isn't bouncing with anticipation. It's the same reason MacCready and Nick wear sad expressions and don't show any joy in this moment. He offers the secretive spy a small smile, one that is returned almost immediately but smaller and more reserved. 

"The honor is yours, Charmer." Desdemona says with a smile and Nate nods at her before turning back to the horizon. He looks down briefly to flick the switches, the cover popping up quickly and showing a red button. His hand hovers over the button but stops before pressing as he looks towards the inevitable sight of fire and destruction.

His son is there. The one person he sought to find upon leaving the vault, the one he promised to find. The one he was known for trying to find and rescue from the Institute. He had left him alone in the room, unable to say much to him other than “I love you” and “I’m sorry”.

Do it. Kill your son. Destroy the only link of you and your old life. Dishonor your dead wife, show her how little you care for your own flesh and blood. The voice in his head is cruel and uncaring to the pain that weighs on his heart and mind. Numbness overtakes him as he looks down once at the button, his hand retracting briefly, before he clenches his fist and slams down on it.

His eyes lift to watch as an explosion shakes the whole city. He hears gasps behind him as fire and destruction erupt on his home. He can't feel much of his body, he knows he's physically ok, but he can't feel his limbs or his body. He faintly feels a burn in his eyes as he can't make himself look away from the chaos he caused by clicking that small red button. His cheeks feel cold and moist as the fire dies down, smoke and dust high in the sky and so close he feels he could choke on it and die on the spot before his broken heart can take him. He hears commotion behind him, some cheers, some tears, some laughter, it's all mixed together and he hears it all. He can't turn to them though, he feels paralyzed by fear, uncertainty, and sadness. 

When someone walks up to him and places a hand on his arm, he's briefly aware of their presence but doesn't make an effort to acknowledge them. They don't say anything as they move to his left and stand next to him. He sees the glint of sunglasses out of the corner of his eye and takes a shaky breath as a hand gently laces with his own. They squeeze once, a reassurance to let him know he's not alone, and the feeling brings him crashing down from the clouds and from his own head. A soft gasp falls past his lips as more tears fall, the hand gripping his own squeezing harder to offer support. His head is slow to turn to his companion whose gaze is already on him, his expression still unreadable. Nate goes to speak but no words form in his throat. Deacon waits, his patience unmatched, as his close friend and partner looks at him with broken eyes and tears streaming down his cheeks. After what feels like an eternity, Nate finally forms the words he was looking for since this mission started.

"What have I done?" He whispers, his voice broken and uneven, and the spy squeezes his hand before pulling him into his arms. Nate wraps his arms around him loosely at first, his numb limbs not allowing for much else, until pain overtakes him and he completely collapses in his partner's arms. Deacon slowly lowers them to the ground against the railing as sobs overtake the agent in his arms, his heart clenching and tears forming in his own eyes. The others around them turn to see what happened and Desdemona leads everyone off of the rooftop and into the building, leaving Deacon alone to comfort Nate the best he can. This comes in the form of soft reassurances and small circles rubbed into his back with fingers stroking his hair. It is a while before his sobs lessen to soft whimpers, his eyes and body incapable of producing more tears. Once that moment comes, they remain in silence for even longer as both absorb and begin to accept what has just happened to themselves and the Commonwealth. The spy wants to provide further comfort, to tell him that he had to do this, that he saved everyone from the evil, but he knows words can’t help this. Not now, not in this moment. All he can offer is a tighter embrace and a soft kiss on his forehead to remind Nate that he isn’t alone and that he wasn’t going anywhere. The gesture is accepted and appreciated as he lifts his gaze back to the spy to return it, his lips finding his chin that has a small stubble on it. He faintly hears talking inside of Mass Fusion but both ignore it, a silent agreement made between them that life can wait for them while they stay in the moment together.


End file.
